Soppho

Yesterday was Y Chromosome’s 25th birthday. Isn’t that great? But let’s cut to the important part—namely how this pertains to me.

I am 11 months older than Y Chrome, which everyone loves to point out. My mother calls me a cradle-robbing old hag. She can get away with this because I have an older sister far nicer than myself, who will take Mom and her army of ceramic Santa Clauses when she gets old and infirm. I’d take you, Mom, really I would. Unfortunately, in 2 weeks I’ll still be living in this tiny apartment.

So for the next month, Y Chromosome and I will finally be the same age, and everyone can just go to hell.

Of course, I am deluding myself. Even when people don’t know our ages, my cradle-robbing old hag status is as clear as day.

Like so:

Usher at movie theater takes Y Chrome’s ticket: Are you a student? You could have qualified for a student discount!

Usher at movie theater takes my ticket: Here you go, ma’am. Theater three. Don’t forget to turn up your hearing aid after the previews!

Damn. And I had even taken my walker with the hot pink tennis balls attached to the bottom to make me look more hip and sprightly.

In short: Y Chromosome is a baby-faced student who still plays team sports in his spare time and goes to bed later than 7 PM. And the neighborhood children just chase me around with toe tags.

To celebrate our new-found age parity—I mean, Y Chrome’s birthday—we went tubing down the James River.

It was a fantastic way to spend the day. We had the world’s most awesome and most redundant combination of snacks: Ritz crackers with peanut butter and Nutter Butters, Cheez Balls and Cheetos, Lemonade and Pink Lemonade. We got the requisite strangely shaped sunburn. We bruised our tailbones like champs, finding and crashing into every rock that sits just below the surface of the water. We served as the mating ground/voyeurs for a few thousand dragonflies (Y Chrome: “Aw, they make the shape of a heart when they come together”. Me: “Yeah, baby, do it to it! Boom-chicka-wow-wow!” And this pretty much sums up our entire relationship.).

And the best part: We got to overhear all of the strange conversations going on. The guy who planted cocaine on someone else. The dad quizzing his kids about what makes the river flow. The woman trying to coax her friends to pose nude for a picture. And my very favorite:

A boy and girl who looked to be 10 and 8, respectively, floated a little ways ahead of their family. The girl, kicking to catch up with the boy, called out to him:

“Ian, why didn’t your mom come today?”

“I don’t know!”

“Why do you think she didn’t come?”

Long pause.

“Well, maybe because she would’ve gotten annoyed listening to my Dad all day, saying, ‘Come oooooon, honeeeey. Have just oooooone beeeer!”