On Drive-bys and other Christmas activities
When we were younger, I always dreaded the Christmas season for one reason. Okay, two reasons, but we’ll leave my terror of Mall Santa Claus out of this for now, thanks. I dreaded the holiday season because I knew that sooner or later Mom would exclaim, “Let’s go look at the Christmas lights!” and the shoehorn all of us—the unwilling—into the car, arms and legs akimbo, and drive off into the sunset.
It was the epitome of preteen embarrassment. What if someone you knew saw you in a car with your family? Together! Enjoying some of the season’s fun! OH THE HUMANITY.
And as far as I was concerned, the only reason to slowly drive past a house in the middle of the night (fine, 8pm) with a car full of people is to whack somebody. Am I right or am I right?
As I got older (and more to the point, stopped getting dragged on these trips), my feelings about holiday lights softened. Well, sort of.
A house near my high school had a huge light-up sled, complete with all nine reindeer and Santa Claus freeloading in the back. Not really my ideal home decoration, but fairly cute and festive during the holiday season. Except that they kept it up there on the roof all year long. Sure, it wasn’t lit, but it took up a quarter of the roof and extended about 3 feet above the treeline. SUBTLE.
Look, I get it. You’re looking at someone who left her little foot-tall ceramic Christmas tree in the living room well into May because she couldn’t bear the thought of chasing around the apartment all the little peg lights that always fall off the tree and dissolve in thin air. It sucks to go through all of the work putting the lights up, only to have to take them down a month or so later. No wonder you put them up before Thanksgiving and keep them shining on til well past New Year’s Day. But seriously? Leaving the lights up on the house for the rest of year but not lighting them is just ridiculous. You’re not fooling anyone! Things don’t just disappear when they’re not lit up, you know!
(Although if they did, we might have an even more compelling reason to get Lindsay Lohan to rehab as soon as possible. Badda-bum.)
For instance, never in the history of the world has this conversation occurred:
“Gee, Mary, I thought we had some sort of lamp in the living room.”
“Why, we do, Bob. It’s just that you can’t see it because it’s not on right now!”
“Oh, that’s nice. EXCEPT NOW WE CAN’T SEE IT, SO HOW WILL WE EVER FIND IT TO TURN IT BACK ON AGAIN?!?”
“You’re sort of an asshole, Bob.”
No, people, just no. (Well, the middle stuff at least has never happened, but the first and last sentences definitely have been uttered. Particularly the last. TRUST.)
Have no fear, though. I have a solution for those of you who wish to be festive, but want to do a half-assed job of it. Behold:
You’re welcome.